Are My Lights On?...I Don't Know, You Tell Me!

Let me start off by saying that I LOVE old people. I really do. I think that they are funny and cool and I can't wait to be one someday because then I can say anything I want about anyone as long as I follow it with "Bless his/her heart." Okay, now that we have that clear let me share with you what happened to me at the grocery store this evening. First of all, whenever I go the the Smiths by my house weird things happen...from the girl coming up to me in the freezer aisle pretending to be a robot, to the gay guy stopping me as I was leaving to frantically tell me that there was going to be a tornado and to hurry home(there wasn't by the way), to almost getting puked on by a little girl (luckily she made it into the big sand container for cigarettes out front because I hate puke).

Maybe it is just me with stores in general...I have been in Wal-mart twice and had to leave because they cleared the building because of a bomb threat...TWICE. I have also been in Albertsons and had to leave because the store started on fire. It is REALLY ANNOYING to have your cart full of what you need and then have to leave it. It really might be me, because I was also in a movie theater in Bangkok, Thailand once that started on fire.

So anyway, weird things happen to me all of the time. I love it though, as it makes my life fun and gives me something to blog about.

So as I was leaving Smith's this evening this old lady with hair dyed dark enough to stain your pillowcase, says to me "Mam, can you help me?" (Do I look like a mam? I hope not.) She didn't look too scary, even considering the uber dark hair, so I said "Sure, just let me put my groceries in my car real quick." The whole time thinking to myself "Please don't be a flat tire, please don't be a flat tire," as I don't know how to change a flat tire because I'm a horrible person who cheated on that assignment in Driver's Ed. So I go over to her and she says, "Are my lights on?" (phew, no flat tire) I said, "Are your lights on?...you mean your headlights, yeah, they are on." "Oh good," she replies. "I haven't driven at night for a long time and I couldn't tell if my lights were on." 'WOW,' I thought to myself. 'If you don't know whether or not your lights are on you have much bigger problems then just wondering if your lights are on or not...maybe you should retire from driving at night, or driving in general.' She was a nice little old lady though (even though I'm not really sure that her lights were all on, if you know what I mean) and thanked me for my help. I watched her drive away and then drove off in the OPPOSITE direction. The end.

In Church But Not Of Church

So my last blog post got me thinking about other things either I have done or I have seen or heard of being done while in church other than what we should be doing in church. We are all guilty of it sometimes...being in church but not of church. I guess it is better than just not being there at all, right?

Here are a few that I'm guilty of (as an adult)...
*writing my last will and testament in preparation for skydiving
*writing plans for my funeral for the same reason
*taking a picture of my cousin's ex-boyfriend (who was visiting my ward) with my cell phone and sending it as a picture message to my cousin with the message "Guess who showed up at my ward today?"...by the way, I turned off the sound on my camera phone so no one even knew that I was taking pictures during Sunday School
*playing this little game with my brothers where we draw pictures of people in the ward and try to guess who they are (we usually exaggerated their most prominent feature to make the game a little easier)
*writing notes, of course...I really like to write notes

Here are some things that I have seen or heard of done (by adults)that I don't plan to ever participate in...
*picking the gray hairs out of your friend's head
*a boy rubbing another boy's back
*a girl rubbing another girl's back
*opening up a bag of Doritos and a soda during Sacrament meeting to snack on
*a girl playing with another girl's hair
*yelling out "FINALLY" when the Priest gets the Sacrament prayer right after several attempts
*giving the closing prayer 20 minutes early (on Fast Sunday) because you fell asleep and then woke up during a lull between testimonies and thought it was time to end the meeting

Here are a few other fun ideas for things to do in church, although they may not be appropriate or acceptable, depending on your age...
*playing "Testimony Bingo"...what a fun idea! This consists of making a game card either with phrases that might be said in people's testimonies or a game card with the names of those who you think are most likely to share their testimony. Then whoever gets BINGO first has to get up and bear their testimony and somehow use the word BINGO. My brother and his friends used to do this in college...I wish I could have come up with such great ideas when I was young enough to get away with them.
*make out your next tithing check to "God"...just to see if your Bishop is paying attention

If anyone has any suggestions/confessions of things to do in church other than listen and participate, please, leave me a comment and share your ideas.

Great Read

I have a suggestion of a book that I think everyone should read. The book is called My Name is Asher Lev. You will not be able to put this book down, so make sure to read it over the holidays or sometime when you can dedicate your life FULLY to it. Now, I haven't actually read the book but I know that it is a great read. Let me tell you why... so, I'm sitting in Relief Society today and at some point during the lesson I notice that the girl sitting next to me is reading a novel. CURIOSITY PIQUED. So, I pretended to STARE at my scriptures as I read a few paragraphs of her book and also procure the title. I just had to know what book could be so intriguing that you would come to church early, get yourself a seat on the edge of the room, and dig into your book during the ENTIRE lesson, never looking up. I didn't know the girl or I might have been tempted to ask her.

So I thought to myself, "maybe she got to Relief Society and realized that she had already heard the lesson on Joseph Smith last week when she was visiting her grandma's ward"... or "maybe somebody is forcing her to go to church (by using an ankle bracelet?) and she's like 'I'll show you!'"...or "maybe she has a book report on it due tomorrow morning and thought that being at church and not listening was better than not being there at all." or..."maybe it is just a really good book and she has NO self control." I'm still not sure why she was reading it, but it REALLY must have been one you just can't put down because she sat across the aisle from me in Sacrament Meeting and she was still intently reading the book. I guess I shouldn't judge this girl. I guess we all have times when we don't listen in church, but COME ON be a little discreet about it.

Here are a couple of suggestions that I would give to her if I knew her...first, make a fake book cover for the novels that you want to take to church. Go to DI, buy The Miracle of Forgiveness or something for a dollar, take off the cover and attach it to the book you are reading. Easy. My brothers used to put comic books,crossword puzzle books and 4-wheeler magazines inside an Ensign or New Era cover when we would have Stake Conference and it always seemed to work for them. Secondly, when you are reading your book in church, try to look up occasionally and act like you are listening. And, last of all, if you want to be an over-achiever, you could even make a comment (just make sure that it applies to the lesson topic and that no one else has already made the comment...so I would suggest doing it near the first of the lesson). And...if you REALLY want to cover your tracks either 1) mention the lesson and how great it was to a friend in the ward or to someone that was sitting next to you or 2) tell the teacher how much you appreciated and enjoyed the lesson.

Tell me, is it one in four marriages that ends in divorce now or one in three?

So, a couple of days ago I went to get a chemical peel. Basically, a chemical peel consists of paying someone 100 bucks to pour acid on your face so that later your face will peel and look better. They are made for people like me with disgusting skin. My normal esthetician, Marthea, was out of town so some other girl, who will remain nameless to protect her lack of tact, did my chemical peel. Before I could even get onto the facial table she said to me,

"So are you married?"
I said, "no."
She replied, "well do you have a boyfriend...are you dating anyone?"
And I replied, "not right now."

Now, I'm not sure exactly why I said "not right now..." as if I had been dating someone a few minutes prior and had just gotten dumped or something. But if you ask me a dumb question you should expect a dumb answer...I mean, what was I supposed to say? And she didn't shut up after that! She went on to ask

"Well, do you have any nieces or nephews?"

"No," I said, "my only sibling that is married just got married a month ago"...and I thought to myself "and I haven't gotten around to asking them yet when they are going to start making babies!"

Ok, and get this, the next thing she said to me was,

"Did they get married in the temple?"

And I thought to myself "Oh my heck am I wearing my 'I AM A MORMON' shirt again!?" So within two minutes of meeting me this girl, who was married with three kids, broke the CARDINAL RULE of talking to single people. Never, under any circumstance ask a single person (even if you know them) any of the following questions or any variation of the following questions UNLESS you are asking them because you have some RAD person that you want to set them up with and you want to make sure that they are available. And, as a side note, never ASSUME that someone is LDS. It just makes you look like a stupid Utard.

Here are some no no questions:

"So, how's your love life?"
"Are you dating anybody?"
"Anything exciting/new going on in your life (wink, wink)?"

Now, this girl was probably just trying to be nice and make conversation(although I wish that she could have just shut-up and let me listen to the peaceful waterfall music), but HOW SAD is it that she was so un-rounded that the only thing that she could make reference to in life had to do with dating, marriage and kids! LAME! Needless to say, I did not give her a tip $$$$$$$. But let me give all of the tactless married people out there a tip...and I don't think that all married people are tactless, but those of you who are... you know who you are, listen up. You should never talk to a single person about their dating life, or the lack thereof, unless they bring it up. Just as I shouldn't ask you,

"So, how much money do you make?"

"When are you guys going to have another baby...it is about time, isn't it?"

"How's your LOVE life (wink, wink)?"

"When are you planning on starting a family?"

"Do you think you'll go on a diet soon?"

"How much equity do you have in your home?"

"Are you planning on doing anything about your receding hairline?"

Etc!

Or, I might say, as Bridget Jones replied when asked, "So Bridge, how's your love life?"..."Tell me, is it one in four marriages that ends in divorce now, or one in three?"

Global Freaking Warming

So maybe Al Gore is right about that global warming thing... I mean he did invent the Internet and almost became President of the USA, so he must be a genius. Why do I now believe in Al?...because it is almost Thanksgiving and my Begonias are still blooming like crazy...and on the north side of my house! Check it out.

Movie Madness

So, I have something to admit to the world. I go to movies in the movie theater all by myself. I go on weekdays, weekends, holidays, during the day, and at night. I don't care AT ALL that it is socially unacceptable to do so. The first time I did it was a few years ago as a bet with my brother Lee. We were talking about things that people just don't do alone...two of which were going to movies by themselves and eating at nice sit-down restaurants by themselves. So we made a bet to see who could do one of those two things first. I won by going to a movie by myself. Not only was I by myself but I was the only person in the theater...weird because it wasn't even a crappy movie. I called Lee from the movie theater...he made me scream to prove that no one else was in the theater. Lee had to one up me though by going out to eat by himself on Valentine's Day in Provo, Utah (coupleland USA). And yes...he was wearing a tie and had flowers with him. He pretended that he got stood up. He called me from the restaurant to let me know that he had beat me out as the most pathetic single person in the world. Hilarious. Yeah, we have weird ways of entertaining ourselves. So anyway, last night I went to see Lars and the Real Girl by myself. As a side note let me just highly recommend going to movies by yourself. It is liberating. It is like saying "Hi world, I am a singleton and even if I don't have anyone to do stuff with I'm not going to stop doing what I want to do... I am independent and okay with being alone!" It is nice too because you don't have to worry about someone else liking or disliking the movie you see...you can just form your own opinion. And when you go by yourself you always get to choose the movie and where you sit in the theater. So, single or not, try it sometime and let me know how it goes. Anyway, I loved the movie Lars and the Real Girl. It was way different than anything I've seen in a long time, and I like different. It was both funny and sad, which is the best combination because guess what folks, that's life...funny and sad. Here's the link for the trailer if you want to check it out... www.youtube.com/watch?v=P27EIxPRmcY. Also I haven't seen this movie yet because it is Rated R and I am waiting for it to come out on DVD so I can get it CleanFlicked...but I have heard nothing but good things about the movie Once. It has Glen Hansard from the Irish band The Frames in it. It is sort of a musical love story. It has received tons of awards and has gotten excellent reviews...Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 98%! The soundtrack for the movie is amazing. You can play one of the songs by clicking play on the Mp3 player I have on the left side of my blog under my favorites. Check out the trailer www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mIpwx5lA5I. Just wanted to share!

Free Falling

I am SO tired right now...I was up until 4 A.M. writing a paper for one of my classes. Because I would have to be up by 5 to go to work I just decided not to go to bed at all last night and just went into work early instead. I actually did pretty well with no sleep...I only had to drink one energy drink to get through the day...and I even worked a 12 hour day! Amazing what a little caffeine will do for you. I like to pull an all nighter every once in a while...just to feel young again! Anyway, I should just go to bed right now, but I don't want to mess up my sleeping schedule too much so I'll try to stay up until 9 or so tonight. So, I figured I'd add a little something to my blog while I try to stay awake because Jerry at work said my blog was getting "stale" and "lame" and that I needed to update it. SORRY BLOG FANS. I don't have anything too exciting to add right now so I just thought I would post a picture of me skydiving on my 27th birthday. It was something that I had always KIND OF wanted to do, and I just decided that I was going to do it. My brother Lee went with me and we had so much fun...we did write out wills and funeral plans before going, just in case. It wasn't even scary though once I got there. The anticipation before going to the jump site was much worse than actually jumping out of the plane. The air was freezing cold and it was hard to breathe. Don't laugh at my picture...I was going 120 miles per hour in free fall when that picture was taken. Try to imagine your face and hair at 120 mph...yeah, you would look ugly too. It was a lot of fun...not exactly what I expected, but a lot of fun. I was hoping for that stomach dropping feeling you get on roller coaster rides...I love that feeling, but you don't get it skydiving. Instead you just get this, "I am rad, I did something crazy" feeling.