I think maybe I'm starting to figure out some of my problems. Maybe that's what the 30's are for...to figure out what's wrong with you.
As far as I can tell, the breakdown of the decades of life go as follows (at least as I have experienced them thus far)...
The Single Digit Years:
Easy sailing. You don't have much control over how much candy you can eat or what time you have to go to bed, but you don't usually have problems yet either. The major crisis in your life is that your brothers depantsed all your Cabbage Patch Kids and toilet-papered your bedroom. You just coast along...not a care or worry in the world...unless of course you are homeless, or super poor, or abused, or an orphan, but those are all exceptions to the rule. Most kids have a super sweet life. Seriously. If I could go back to being a kid, I wouldn't complain at all.
The Pre-teen and Teenage Years:
You have problems but you don't have a clue that you have problems...(or if you do have a sneaking suspicion that you might be flawed, you wouldn't admit it for anything). You instead think that everyone else is the problem. For example, you might have a complete meltdown minutes before you need to leave to go to school because you don't know what to wear. And it's not your fault...no, of course not. It's your mom's fault for not helping you pick out what to wear the night before, or the stores' fault for not selling clothes you like, or your brother's fault for taking too long in the bathroom and now you don't have enough time to decide what to wear, etc., etc. But it's not your fault. Because you don't have any problems. You're perfect.
The Twenties:
You have problems. You know you do. But you don't know what your problems are. You spend a lot of time trying to "find yourself" or "figure yourself out." You know that everyone is flawed and that you must be especially flawed. Now, if you can just get to the root of your problems you can fix everything and everyone will love you and the world will be fabulous. But you don't figure out much and spend a decade basically in confusion.
The Thirties (so far):
You start to see what your problems are..."Oh, that's why I'm messed up," you might say to yourself. "Oh, that's why I'm like that..." "Oh, that's what's wrong with me...now what?" You start to clearly understand your issues but you don't know how to fix them. A little clarity is nice, but the thirties might be equally as frustrating as as the "Finding Yourself Twenties."
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm really hoping that the 40's are when you figure out how to solve some or all of your problems, and then you do solve them, so that you can sit back and enjoy whatever other decades you have left to live. Or maybe you just give up on fixing yourself by then. Maybe you just decide not to care anymore. I'll keep you posted on that when I get to 40.
But anyway, since I'm now in my 30's (the part of life when you figure yourself out), I'm starting to understand why I'm in the middle of a major career crisis. In fact, a couple of months ago I had a major moment of enlightenment.
I was just sitting there thinking to myself, 'Aaaaaaaaaaaah what in the h is wrong with me...why don't I know what to do with my life?...Why am I 31 and don't have a freaking clue what I want to do for a career?...Why can't I think of any realistic occupation that I can do for the next 36 years?...And why, when I think of the next 36 years do I want to curl up in a ball and let myself be eaten alive by wild dogs?...Why am I in this major career crisis?...I don't mind working, but I want to do something that is meaningful to me and something that interests me and something that makes me a decent amount of money...Why can't I figure out what that could be?....What is wrong with me?...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!'
That is seriously dialogue, between myself and my brain, taken straight out of my head.
Yeah, I know I'm a little messed.
But anyway, after that little conversation with myself, the answer just hit me...all of a sudden.
And the answer is, that of course I am in the middle of a major career crisis...because I was never programmed to be a career woman...I didn't plan for Plan B...I didn't think that a career would need to be part of my life.
Oh, and just for the record let me just say here and now that I don't blame my parents, or mutual leaders, or "The Church," or society, or anyone else for this little programming glitch of mine...but it's just what I somehow came to believe, whether or not anyone intended to teach it to me.
And here's really the problem...I grew up thinking that for nice little LDS girls:
Education=Good
and
Career=Bad
And that, readers, is why I'm a 31 year-old Mormon spinster with seven and a half...yes, 7.5 years, of post high school education (or three college degrees) and not much more of a clue of what to do with my life then I had at age 18.
Messed up...so messed up.
And I know I'm not the only one of my generation who ended up like this...I know of so many single girls...wonderful, talented, intelligent girls who, just like me, don't know what to do with their lives. And, it's not like we've just been sitting around waiting for marriage to save us...we've gained an education, and have traveled, and have served, and have done our best to move forward...but now what? We never planned on actually needing a career. In fact, we tried not to get too career oriented...we tried not to lose focus on the hope of having a family.
And I know bucket loads of married women who would be in serious trouble if someday their husband left them, or died, or became disabled, or lost his job, etc., because they wouldn't know how to support themselves either...they don't have a career plan...and luckily right now they might not need a career...but they might someday, and they, too, are unprepared.
I envy the "career girls"...the ones who knew what they wanted to do and just went for it. Because now those girls, who people said were "focused on the wrong things," are either working in awesome careers or are stay at home moms with a fantastic back-up plan in place.
And here's the thing...you can't just get an education without planning for a career...because jobs and careers are so different. Jobs help you out when you're in college, or bring in some income while your hubby goes to school, or get you by for a few years when times are tough, or bring in some cash on the side to help pay for Christmas or family vacations...but jobs can't give you the long term security, good health benefits, and substantial retirement that a sole provider needs. A sole provider needs a career.
Anyway, my problem is that I enjoy doing a lot of things some of the time...I just don't know what I would enjoy doing all of the time. And, it's not just figuring out what I'd enjoy...there's also this pressure as a single woman to have a career that is either 1)very lucrative or 2)super meaningful. Because you don't have a husband and kids...so the only way to prove that you are a worthwhile human being is to have an awesome career. And that makes things even harder...figuring out what you really want to do while at the same time having this nagging feeling that you've got to do something really fantastic with your life.
Anyway, if I could go back and talk to 14 year-old Becca today I'd tell her, "Becca, plan for a career...absolutely plan for a career...not as some sad Plan B, but as a plan for reality, a Plan A. Prepare yourself to do something you love...something you could do 40+ hours a week for 40+ years...something that would make enough money to support yourself. Find that thing you love to do and find it early. Then prepare yourself to make it your career...prepare yourself mentally for a life in the working world. Work hard in school, not just for the grade or degree (like I did), but work hard to prepare yourself to enter the workforce. Make connections with professors, do internships, and think about how your education will help you in your career. Don't just get an education to get an education. Have a career plan, and stick to your plan. And then, if you get lucky and marriage and children interrupt your plans to work, no worries...you'll always have that education and career as a back-up."
"Oh, and 14 year-old Becca, stop wearing those over-sized Shaquille O'Neal t-shirts. They make you look like a lesbian."
That's what 31 year-old Becca would tell 14 year-old Becca.
I think that maybe...hopefully...the girls who are 14 now are being better prepared for the future. I hope, and pray, and think, that they are.
I don't understand why many people my age were taught that having a career was the exception to the rule. Because it's not and hasn't been for a long, long time. Look around you. How many women can you think of who have never had to work full-time outside of the home...who have never had the burden of being the sole provider...even for a time.
I can't think of very many.
Anyway, so here I am. I'm 31 and now need to completely re-evaluate and re-plan my life. I have to do some major backpedaling. I have to figure out what I can do, starting now, to get through my major career crisis. I can't look back. I can't say "I wish I would have known then what I know now." I can't think about what I would have done differently. I can't think about all the career options that are now out of my reach. I just have to figure out what to do from here on out. And I'm working on it. So please leave me be.
Anyway, blah, blah, blah, the end.
I should write for a magazine (but not the Reader's Digest), instead of on a blog, because I write too much. Oh well.
