Rigby 911!

March was a rough month in rural Southeastern Idaho, at least according to the police reports, as published by that great piece of journalistic work, The Jefferson Star.  

I find the Rigby police reports quite entertaining.  Almost as entertaining as the BYU police reports as printed in the Daily Universe.  I think it's both a combination of the reasons people called 911 as well as the wording of whoever wrote up the police report for the Jefferson Star (I'm thinking it's a high school journalism student) that make the reports funny.  Here are a few excerpts from Rigby 911, with my comments in italics.  Enjoy!

March 4:

2:07 p.m. Theft reported in Rigby.  Resident's roommate kept stealing stuff and threatening resident. 

Oh no, not stealing "stuff!" 

9:07 p.m. Disturbance reported in Roberts.  Resident's stepmother was harassing him over the phone for having the police do a welfare check on her. 

Two words: White Trash. 

March 6:

3:02 p.m Disturbance reported in Roberts.  Neighbors were fighting the whole morning.  

911 dispatcher: "911, what's your emergency?"

Concerned citizen: "My neighbors have been fighting."

911 dispatcher: "How long?"

Concerned citizen: "The whole morning."

911 dispatcher: "Did you say the whole morning?"

Concerned citizen: "Yes."

911 dispatcher: "We'll send an officer right out."

March 7:

1:57 p.m. Animals reported in Lewisville.  Resident went to clean a vacant house and discovered it was full of cats.

Police are currently searching for the cats' Spinster owner.  

3:17 p.m. Traffic complaint reported in Rigby.  A vehicle hauling animal parts was dropping intestines and such on the road.

I wonder what "such" looks like.  

8:55 p.m. Disturbance reported in Terreton.  Neighbors were screaming and banging on the walls.

Wow, they must have been screaming really loud since Terreton is a rural community with the homes all spread out.  That must have been some disturbance!

March 8

5:41 p.m. Theft reported on State Street in Rigby.  A resident was pick-pocketed. 

Well, next time I go to Rigby, I'm wearing my fanny pack on the front.  I'm not taking any chances. 

March 9 

10:49 a.m. Fraud reported in Rigby.  Resident received a call to buy something at Wal-Mart and she would receive $1,000,000.

This reminds me of a guy I know who got ripped off after emailing money to theUN@hotmail.com.  

March 10

10:09 a.m. nuisance reported in Rigby.  A meat truck was leaving a "blood trail," causing an awful odor.

I hope they can follow the trail and find the offending meat truck.  There can't be that many meat trucks in Rigby, so I'm thinking it shouldn't be too hard to track it down and punish it.  

12:40 a.m. Suspicious circumstances reported in Rigby.  Resident found her vehicle's hood open and it looked like someone was messing with her car.  

"Who's been messing with my car?"

9:29 a.m Fraud reported in Terreton.  Resident stated she received charges on her credit card that she did not make in Chicago. 

Hey lady, call your credit card company, not 911.  Somebody buying deep-dish pizza on your card does not constitute an emergency.  

12:35 p.m. Disturbance reported at Hwy 20 near Rigby.  Someone was flipping resident off and screaming at her while driving.  

Dear fellow driver, please accept my sincerest apologies. 

March 16

11:46 a.m. Fire reported in Menan.  A chimney caught on fire but resident wouldn't let the fire department enter the property.

Hmmm what were you cooking on that fire?

March 17

9:53 p.m. Animal reported in Rigby.  Resident's neighbor shot resident's cat with a bow and arrow.

Quote by Anonymous (who was with me when I wrote this post): "What a dummy.  Every person I know who has shot a cat with a bow and arrow has said that the cat didn't die immediately but ran home with the arrow still in it." 

Brother of Anonymous: "How many people do you know who have shot a cat with a bow and arrow?"

Anonymous: "I don't know...like two."

March 18

8:59 a.m. Animal reported in Lewisville.  A resident witnessed someone shock his dog excessively.  

7 p.m. Disturbance reported in Menan.  Resident tried to take pictures of her father's property and her sister wouldn't let her.  

March 20

12:01 a.m. Theft reported on State Street in Rigby.  Someone was using business wi-fi while in the parking lot.  

Oh crap, I've done that like a million times.  Never been busted though.  Phew!

March 21

7:40 a.m. Animal reported at County Line Road near Idaho Falls.  A cat was hit by a car and was seriously injured.  

Quote by anonymous:  "That's nothing.  I hit two cats last week...and a dog...and an antelope.  They were all suicidal.  I felt bad about the dog though.  Because I was eating a cracker while I was driving...a club cracker.  And then I looked up and all of a sudden there was a dog in front of me.  I didn't even have time to stop."  

Sadly, this account by anonymous is true.  But, I think it's even more sad that someone called 911 to report hitting a cat.  Seriously, the police have better things to do...like eat donuts.  

Well, now that I've emphasized the stupidity of some of my fellow Idahoans, I'll leave you to read and decide which entry from the police report is your favorite.  And then you can leave me a comment and tell me.  Because if you don't, I'm calling 911 and telling them that I've got a bunch of people who keep reading my blog and never leave me comments and I even know who some of them are.  And then in next week's Jefferson Star you'll see an entry like this: 
"Resident says people are reading her blog and not commenting.  Resident has names and addresses of some of the perpetrators.  Police are investigating." 

A dog-loving cannibal?

Wow, I knew that Rachael Ray was super annoying, Muppet-like, and part of the Oprah conspiracy to OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) and control the world, but I had no idea that she was also a cannibal (and a dog eater) until I saw this magazine cover recently.  Yikes!  I always knew there was something off about her.  

Goodbye Fortaleza!

Two weeks ago today I got home from what will probably be my last trip to Brazil for quite awhile.  I have really grown to love Brazil these past few years.  It's a really beautiful place with lots of wonderful people.  But, since my parents are coming home in less than four months, I won't have a reason to go back for awhile.  I'll want to spend my time, money, and frequent flyer miles exploring some of the other places on my ever increasing list of places to go and things to see/do.  


I'll miss going to Brazil every six months or so.  I'll miss the warmth, the beach, the agua de coco, seeing old sweaty guys with shirts tucked up over their bellies, the hammock on the balcony, and the great people I've met there.  


Anyway, before I left Fortaleza I got to spend some time hanging out with Ana and Marcos (the Brazilians who visited Idaho this December) and their friend Felipe.  

Here Ana and I are with a knockoff Brazilian Pluto at Beira Mar.  Normally I would automatically excluded anyone with thighs the size of my arms from my circle of friends.  But, I really like Ana.  She's fun and funny and nice, and I count her as a friend...despite the fact that she has toothpicks for legs.  

Here are Ana, Felipe, Marcos, and I at Beira Mar.  

After our walk on Beira Mar we got in a little ping pong time at the common room in my parents' apartment building.  

Marcos creamed Felipe 10 to zero.  

Then my mom humbled Marcos by beating him (he needed it).  

But then Marcos beat my dad and the pride cycle started all over again.  I think my dad was in denial that he'd lost in this picture.  

My dad tried to redeem himself at ping pong but was never able to.  So he moved on to pool where he, oddly enough, was the champion.  I had no idea that my dad even knew how to play pool.


I beat my mom a couple of times at ping pong.  I think that shocked her.  She's always considered herself to be the Forrest Gump of the family, but she took the losses well.  


On February 25th, my BTBF (Best Travel Buddy Forever), Kate, came to Fortaleza.  She showed up with our friend Lailton, who Kate, Corinne, and I met last year on our way to Iguassu Falls.  


She randomly ran into Lailton at the airport in Sao Paulo.  He was flying home to Fortaleza and got Kate on his same flight.  He's a flight attendant (a straight one, he'd like me to add) who is studying to be a pilot.  Lailton is really funny.  Sometimes because he means to be and other times because English is his second language.  

Seriously, you can't go wrong in speaking a foreign language.  That's what I'm always telling my mom.  Because if you mess stuff up then you'll come across as funny.  And if you don't mess it up then you'll come across as smart. So either way it's a win win.  Unless you're really bad and then you'll just come across as dumb, but you have to take some chances in life.  


Anyway, Lailton was only in Fortaleza for one day, but Kate, Lailton, and I were able to go to Beira Mar and get ice cream at 50 Sabores (50 Flavors) while he was in town.  


When there's an ice cream store with 50+ flavors they've got to get pretty creative.  Kate and I got quite a kick out of some of their flavors and translations.  Their sign said that you could try as many flavors as you wanted before choosing the flavor you wanted in your cone...so, we took them up on their offer, and tried a lot...an embarrassing lot.  I think we at least tried five flavors each.  

We were good girls and didn't taste the beer flavored ice cream but we did have to sample the Crispy Cheese ice cream.  It wasn't too bad, although I don't think I could have eaten more than a tiny taste.  I'm sure one of us tried Curdled Milk as well as Cream of Corn, but I don't really remember so they must not have been that bad.  And, the Shocking flavored ice cream, did not shock you, but was actually rather delicious. 

I was going to order some Obama Chocobrownie flavored ice cream, but something just felt kind of racist about it.  Also I decided that eating Obama Chocobrownie might show support for Obama, so I resisted, even though I do love me some chocolate and brownies.  

One of the flavors they have is "Anything."  So you just say "anything" and let the ice cream scooper guys choose your flavor.  I would never dare do that, especially with all the interesting/scary flavors they offer.  


Anyway, on the Saturday that Kate was in Fortaleza we went with Ana and Felipe out to the little sitio (like a country home) that Ana's family owns.  It's about an hour outside of Fortaleza and the drive there was absolutely beautiful.  It has rained a lot so far this year in Fortaleza and everything was so green and lush.  I would have taken pictures of the scenery on the way there, but were driving behind Ana and that girl has a lead foot (which is surprising for someone with stick insect legs).  There's no way we could have stopped to take a picture and caught back up with her.  Oh well, it was gorgeous scenery, even if I don't have any picture proof.  

Just chillin by the pool at the sitio.  

Ditto.

Taiba beach is just a few miles from their little sitio so we went there to check it out and we all thought it was pretty beautiful. 


Anyway, that's it for Fortaleza.  Super early in the morning on February 28th I said goodbye to Fortaleza and to my parents and Kate and I flew to Rio.  


It was so nice to think that I'd see my parents just four months after saying goodbye.  Four months is nothing.  Four months will fly by.  


I had much better commentary on these pictures, but like a dummy I accidentally erased half of it and then 2.2 seconds later it saved so I couldn't get it back.  So sad.  So when I re-did it I was lazy and lame.  Sorry.  Oh well, half of you are leeches anyway.  What do I care?  


Peace people.

Dear Spammers and Scammers...

You've really got to work on your English, grammar, punctuation, and presentation.  Don't you guys have any native English speaking friends?  Because you really should get some, and have them take a quick look at your spam emails before you send them out...a quick proofread is all you need.  


Because when I open up my email and see something like the following...

heyI have a good information to share with you.A while ago,a trading company attractive to me,the price is very competitive advantage, so I bought some products.It is very exciting,very pleased when I got and saw my goods.I think you can go to see:  << www.famous-elects.com >>you'll save more money in there.

I know it isn't from Heidi N. (even though the email came from her email account), but rather from a spammer in Brazil (or Russia, or Turkey, or wherever).  


And spammers, because your English, grammar, and punctuation are below par, I'm not going to ever click on that link and find out about _________ (that great deal on Viagra, a business opportunity I just can't miss, a prince in Nigeria who needs my help, enhancers and weight loss pills, etc.)  


Anyway, work on your English and email presentation a little and get back to me.  Maybe I'll sucker for your spam if you try a little harder.  

Welcome Home Becca

I got home from Brazil a week ago and found this...

on the rear window of my car.  


I laughed quite a bit to myself and then instantly started guessing which of my three brothers was the culprit.  Because I knew it had to be one of them.  No one else would dare put a Spinster, Family of One, sticker on my car, except one of my brothers...or one of my spinster friends.  And none of my spinster friends live in Idaho, so I knew it had to be one of my brothers.  


I'll let you guess which one(s) it was.  


Anyway, I'm trying to decide whether or not to keep it on my car.  The last time I had any sort of sticker on my car was in 1998 when my 1964 Ford Falcon Futura, Phyllis, sported an Impeach Clinton Now! sticker.  
 
So do I keep this Spinster, Family of One sticker on my car? Is it funny?  Or does it scream "lonely and weird"...or "Hey serial killer, pick me, pick me...I'm all alone in the world and it will take longer for anyone to report me missing"...?  


I'm thinking I could add "SPINSTER" below it to make it funnier.  And maybe even write "SPINSTER" in Old English font...you know, to give me some credibility with the gangs.  


What do you think?  

That Diane Keaton feeling...

Sometimes I want to be like Oprah (even though she is most likely the Antichrist).  Like when I want to be super rich and have a vacation home everywhere I go.  Or when I want to have a magazine and a cable network that's all about me.  Or when I want to have a personal trainer, fashion consultant, chef, etc.  Or when I want to have disgusting amounts of money that I can secretly use to help people.  

But mostly, I want to be like Oprah because I want to tell everyone about my favorite things...and then have them buy them (or better yet be able to just give them to everyone) and have everyone else love and enjoy my favorite things too.  

However, I am not rich, am not Oprah, and am definitely not the Antichrist (sounds like too much work for me).  But, I can still have my favorite things.  

And here's one of them...

my new little yogurt maker...isn't it cute?  And not only is it a darling little contraption, but it's super easy to use and makes delicious, fresh tasting yogurt.  

I'll be honest...I'm kind of a yogurt snob.  I really don't like American yogurt.  It just tastes like preservatives, food coloring, and corn syrup to me...fake, fake, fake.  Yuck.  I've tried every brand there is (even the fancy organic type brands) and have never found a yogurt in the U.S. that I liked.  

But then I had this genius moment when I remembered that I used to like yogurt as a kid because my mom made homemade yogurt for us.  So, I got online, did a little research, and found out that I could make homemade yogurt without any special equipment, but it would be a time consuming and messy process.  Or, I could buy a yogurt maker and I'll I'd have to do is dump milk and yogurt starter in little jars and then push a button and voilà, I'd have healthy homemade yogurt.  I opted for choice number two, the lazy, but less messy choice.  

Anyway, I'm so happy with my homemade yogurt.  It's delicious.  And nutritious.  And I especially love it when I have fresh fruit to mix in.  Yum!  

But you know what my favorite part about the whole yogurt maker thing is?...

the super adorable little jars that come with it.  When I whip up a batch of yogurt in those little jars I just can't help but feel like I'm Diane Keaton in Baby Boom.  And I like feeling like Diane Keaton in Baby Boom.  In fact, I think getting that Diane Keaton feeling is what makes the homemade yogurt maker one of my favorite things.  

So come over for a taste test and I'll let you experience my homemade yogurt's deliciousness for yourself.  I promise, once you get used to fresh yogurt you'll never go back to sucking over-colored, over-preserved, over-sweetened yogurt out of a plastic Go-Gurt tube.  Your taste buds (and you) will be way to classy for that.  

How the Sounds of Sunday shook my testimony, lowered my self-esteem, and made me hate Abraham Lincoln...in just five minutes.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of listening to the radio program "The Sounds of Sunday," let me give you a little background before I delve into this post. 

Basically it's a Sunday morning radio program that's supposed to "set the tone for your Sabbath day."  But mostly it just makes me want to barf and jump off a tall building at the same time, which would really be messy. 

It's not officially associated with the LDS Church (as the less nauseating program "Music and the Spoken Word" is).  Thank heavens, because I would have to seriously reconsider my religion if it were.  The Sounds of Sunday does come across pretty Mormony though.  I think the guys who put the program together are Mormon and there's plenty of Mormon church music between each one of their Chicken Soup for the Soulish type messages.  It started in S.E. Idaho and later spread to infect the airwaves of several states.  Embarrassing.  

Anyway, I know that many of you may like the program...that's fine.  We all have our own opinions and you're welcome to blog about your love of the Sounds of Sunday.  But I find it to be super duper über cheesy.  And, since it's not an actual LDS sanctioned program, I feel as though I'm not committing blasphemy to admit that I don't enjoy the program...at all.  

So, anyway this morning I was in the kitchen making a salad for our family Sunday dinner, which would occur later in the day.   The radio was on, and before I knew what was happening, the Sounds of Sunday message of the hour came on.  I was in the middle of the salad making mess so I didn't bother walk over to the radio and turn it off.  

And boy am I glad that I didn't because I got to hear the following little inspirational treasure...  

You know, while we tend to want unending happy hearts and contented days, our Father in Heaven wants something greater for us, and the pathway to that is a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

The story is told of Abraham Lincoln and his courtship of Mary Owens. Now, Abe had met Mary several years before through an association with a friend. Well, following a tragedy in his life, Lincoln’s friend suggested that Abe and Mary would make a fine couple, and that she, the friend, would be willing to travel to Kentucky and bring Mary back. Abe was much in favor of the idea. However, when Mary Owens arrived, she was far different than Abe remembered, having gained considerable weight.

Well, try as he might, Lincoln could not persuade himself to fall in love with Mary Owens. He tried to convince himself that the brilliancy of her mind eclipsed her size, which it evidently did, but the desired flame of love would still not kindle.

He was a man in trouble! He had committed, sight unseen, to marry her. Well, he procrastinated the proposal until finally in a letter he asked for your hand. Now, I suspect no woman has ever received a proposal worded quite like this one. This is what he wrote:

“…This thing of living in Springfield is rather a dull business after all. I’m afraid you would not be satisfied. There’s a great deal of flourishing about in carriages here, which it would be your doom to see without sharing in it. You would have to be poor without the means of hiding your poverty. Do you believe you could bare that patiently?“What I have said I will most positively abide by – provided you wish it. My opinion is that you had better not do it. You have not been accustomed to hardship, and it may be more severe than you now image. “Yours, Lincoln”

Well, Mary Owens turned him down. Lincoln was surprised by the rejection, and a little broken-hearted, probably more at the blow to his ego than the infatuation of his heart, and he resolved “never again to think of marrying,” and for this reason: “I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be block-head[ed] enough to have me.”

Well, fortunately for Lincoln and history, he met Mary Todd shortly after, and they were married. She healed his heart and gave him to history as the great emancipator.

Now, my point: All men set their hearts on something or someone, and it because that some of us set our hearts on the things of this fallen natural world that we’re called natural men. And it is for that reason that all men must experience a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Hearts set on natural things must first be broken to then be bound on heavenly things.

My friends, our greatness in the hereafter and here will be directly connected to our willingness to let God have His way with our hearts right now.

Okay, here's a recap for those of you too lazy to read the actual transcript.  So basically, according to this story, Abraham Lincoln was dumb enough to get engaged to a woman he hadn't seen in years.  

He meets up with his fiancée, and is like "dang, she got fat," and, like a total DB, thinks, "I don't want to marry her anymore...she's intelligent and amazing but the brilliancy of her mind does not eclipse her size."  

So, old Honest Abe writes her a letter where he basically tells her how much being married to him is going to suck and how much she's going to hate Springfield, blah, blah, blah.  

And she writes him back and is like, "never mind, engagement off, I don't want to marry you either Mr. Frankenstein Face..."

And then Lincoln gets all offended that this fat lady, who he didn't even want to marry, now doesn't want to marry him.  

So he's like "waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh, well then I guess I'll just never get married..."

But then he meets and marries Mary Todd, who according to pictures, got fat later on in life anyway.  I guess it's a good thing Lincoln died early and didn't have to live to see the day his wife got fat.  Who knows, he might have divorced her.  

So anyway, that's the story.  And at the end the of the story the Sounds of Sunday guy tried to tie this horrible little account about Lincoln into the gospel.  But I think that's the biggest stretch in the world since Al Gore said he invented the Internet.  

I don't get what Abraham Lincoln rejecting a fat lady, who then rejected him, and then feeling all bad and saying he'd never marry but then getting married anyway to a lady who later packed on the pounds herself, has to do with the gospel...at all.  I think it's blaspheme to even try to make a tie-in on that one.  

So now I hate Abraham Lincoln, feel like crap about myself, and am embarrassed to be a Mormon.  

Thanks a lot Sounds of Sunday, thanks a lot.  

Oh, and Lincoln, the next time you reject someone because of lack of physical beauty, maybe look in the mirror first.  You're no piece of eye candy yourself!  Oh, and unless there's a typo in the transcript, you used the word "bare" incorrectly.  Idiot.