Rigby 911!

March was a rough month in rural Southeastern Idaho, at least according to the police reports, as published by that great piece of journalistic work, The Jefferson Star.  

I find the Rigby police reports quite entertaining.  Almost as entertaining as the BYU police reports as printed in the Daily Universe.  I think it's both a combination of the reasons people called 911 as well as the wording of whoever wrote up the police report for the Jefferson Star (I'm thinking it's a high school journalism student) that make the reports funny.  Here are a few excerpts from Rigby 911, with my comments in italics.  Enjoy!

March 4:

2:07 p.m. Theft reported in Rigby.  Resident's roommate kept stealing stuff and threatening resident. 

Oh no, not stealing "stuff!" 

9:07 p.m. Disturbance reported in Roberts.  Resident's stepmother was harassing him over the phone for having the police do a welfare check on her. 

Two words: White Trash. 

March 6:

3:02 p.m Disturbance reported in Roberts.  Neighbors were fighting the whole morning.  

911 dispatcher: "911, what's your emergency?"

Concerned citizen: "My neighbors have been fighting."

911 dispatcher: "How long?"

Concerned citizen: "The whole morning."

911 dispatcher: "Did you say the whole morning?"

Concerned citizen: "Yes."

911 dispatcher: "We'll send an officer right out."

March 7:

1:57 p.m. Animals reported in Lewisville.  Resident went to clean a vacant house and discovered it was full of cats.

Police are currently searching for the cats' Spinster owner.  

3:17 p.m. Traffic complaint reported in Rigby.  A vehicle hauling animal parts was dropping intestines and such on the road.

I wonder what "such" looks like.  

8:55 p.m. Disturbance reported in Terreton.  Neighbors were screaming and banging on the walls.

Wow, they must have been screaming really loud since Terreton is a rural community with the homes all spread out.  That must have been some disturbance!

March 8

5:41 p.m. Theft reported on State Street in Rigby.  A resident was pick-pocketed. 

Well, next time I go to Rigby, I'm wearing my fanny pack on the front.  I'm not taking any chances. 

March 9 

10:49 a.m. Fraud reported in Rigby.  Resident received a call to buy something at Wal-Mart and she would receive $1,000,000.

This reminds me of a guy I know who got ripped off after emailing money to theUN@hotmail.com.  

March 10

10:09 a.m. nuisance reported in Rigby.  A meat truck was leaving a "blood trail," causing an awful odor.

I hope they can follow the trail and find the offending meat truck.  There can't be that many meat trucks in Rigby, so I'm thinking it shouldn't be too hard to track it down and punish it.  

12:40 a.m. Suspicious circumstances reported in Rigby.  Resident found her vehicle's hood open and it looked like someone was messing with her car.  

"Who's been messing with my car?"

9:29 a.m Fraud reported in Terreton.  Resident stated she received charges on her credit card that she did not make in Chicago. 

Hey lady, call your credit card company, not 911.  Somebody buying deep-dish pizza on your card does not constitute an emergency.  

12:35 p.m. Disturbance reported at Hwy 20 near Rigby.  Someone was flipping resident off and screaming at her while driving.  

Dear fellow driver, please accept my sincerest apologies. 

March 16

11:46 a.m. Fire reported in Menan.  A chimney caught on fire but resident wouldn't let the fire department enter the property.

Hmmm what were you cooking on that fire?

March 17

9:53 p.m. Animal reported in Rigby.  Resident's neighbor shot resident's cat with a bow and arrow.

Quote by Anonymous (who was with me when I wrote this post): "What a dummy.  Every person I know who has shot a cat with a bow and arrow has said that the cat didn't die immediately but ran home with the arrow still in it." 

Brother of Anonymous: "How many people do you know who have shot a cat with a bow and arrow?"

Anonymous: "I don't know...like two."

March 18

8:59 a.m. Animal reported in Lewisville.  A resident witnessed someone shock his dog excessively.  

7 p.m. Disturbance reported in Menan.  Resident tried to take pictures of her father's property and her sister wouldn't let her.  

March 20

12:01 a.m. Theft reported on State Street in Rigby.  Someone was using business wi-fi while in the parking lot.  

Oh crap, I've done that like a million times.  Never been busted though.  Phew!

March 21

7:40 a.m. Animal reported at County Line Road near Idaho Falls.  A cat was hit by a car and was seriously injured.  

Quote by anonymous:  "That's nothing.  I hit two cats last week...and a dog...and an antelope.  They were all suicidal.  I felt bad about the dog though.  Because I was eating a cracker while I was driving...a club cracker.  And then I looked up and all of a sudden there was a dog in front of me.  I didn't even have time to stop."  

Sadly, this account by anonymous is true.  But, I think it's even more sad that someone called 911 to report hitting a cat.  Seriously, the police have better things to do...like eat donuts.  

Well, now that I've emphasized the stupidity of some of my fellow Idahoans, I'll leave you to read and decide which entry from the police report is your favorite.  And then you can leave me a comment and tell me.  Because if you don't, I'm calling 911 and telling them that I've got a bunch of people who keep reading my blog and never leave me comments and I even know who some of them are.  And then in next week's Jefferson Star you'll see an entry like this: 
"Resident says people are reading her blog and not commenting.  Resident has names and addresses of some of the perpetrators.  Police are investigating."