Do you remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books...where you are the star of the story? I do. I thought they were super cool. For those of you who didn't have the pleasure of reading these books as a child let me tell you a little about them. Actually, let's let the all-knowing Wikipedia do it. So click here if you don't know what these books are. I loved the idea that two people could read the same book and get an entirely different story...or better yet, I could read the same book and depending on the choices that I made, I could get a different story. How cool is that...especially as a little kid? 'Wow, how do they make these books,' I thought, 'and how do they make the story work out no matter what you choose?' I remember even reading them backwards to try to figure out which decisions would lead me to a particular conclusion. Or going to a certain point and then reading all of the different choices from that point on and finding out where it would take you.
Right now the script in the book of my life would say. "It is 11:45 at night. To go to bed and actually get some rest for once, turn to page 8. To stay up late blogging and see how your day at work turns out, turn to page 9."
Life is just one big Choose Your Own Adventure experience I suppose. But in the books if you get to the end and you don't like the outcome you can go back to the point where you liked how things were going and make a different choice. Too bad we can't do that with life.
I guess sometimes I like that life is a Choose Your Own Adventure Story...I like the freedom, in some ways, to determine where we are and where we'll go. In other ways though, I absolutely do not like that we determine so much of where we end up. Yes, maybe the story is already written for us but it is written in a thousand different ways and with a million different branches and variations. Every little thing we do, even the small choices, are writing our story...choosing our outcomes. And it sometimes scares me that what may seem to be a really small, insignificant, choice can have big consequences in the end.
Lately I guess I just feel like whatever choice I make at the end of the chapter doesn't work out. I make a choice, I turn to page 14 or whatever and the next chapter is torn out or the writing is blacked out or the writing is suddenly in some language I don't understand and I'm supposed to just figure it out. So I go back to where I was and try again and again and again. I know that eventually one of the choices I make will work out...I just don't know when. And in the meantime my life is happening to me and those pages I keep going back to are getting worn out. John Lennon was right, life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
I guess I am just at a crossroads right now. I guess I just don't know where to be or what to do. And I feel blessed for all of the opportunities, freedoms and choices I have but at the same time I wish that my choices were more limited so it would be easier to choose and just to be happy with what I chose. I don't even know if that makes sense, but it does to me.
My house is sold. It closes on Tuesday (the 13th!). The guy who is buying it wants most of my furniture and a lot of my decorations, even down to the rugs in my bathroom (weird, I know). So here's my chance to be free and mobile. The semester is over and I'm not taking any summer classes. I like my job and I like the people I work with (with a few exceptions) but I don't really feel that it is a career for me...it isn't something I am majorly passionate about or amazingly good at. I have no place to live yet...I am under no contracts. I have only one relative in SLC that I even have any contact with. I don't have very many friends here thanks to my working a million hours a week and doing school full time.
So really, I can't even figure out why I am here. Am I here because it is where I'm supposed to be or just because it is where I ended up by default? There are absolutely no logical reasons for me to be here. I guess I "just don't know what do with myself...don't know just what to do with myself."
So, here's your chance. Here's your chance all you married people, relatives, friends, blog leeches, nosy people, etc, and MOM...go ahead, butt into my life (but only for approximately the next two weeks...after that, bug off)...tell me what you would do if you were me. Help me write the next step of my adventure. I have some ideas of what I want to do, but I don't want to taint you with those just yet. I just want to hear what you think I should do with my life. I have exactly 52.38 remaining of the 81.13 years all we women in the United States are supposed to get out of life (2008 estimates from CIA World Factbook)...what should I do with those 52.38 years?
It doesn't have to be too deep. Just what do you see me doing for a career? Where do you see me living? What kind of adventures do you see me having? Choose my adventure for me, please. Maybe one of you will send me to a page in the book that won't be blacked out, torn out, or written in Chineese. I know that this post is so long that only people who truly care about me are even still reading...so, go ahead, I trust you...Choose my next adventure!
17 comments:
Could you get a leave of absence and come to the ohio for the summer? You know two fabulous spinsters out here. We could help you plan the next 52.38 years of your life. Think about it.
Wow... You really do have an opportunity to make drastic changes!! I think you should come home until your parents leave and Tyler gets home. Enjoy some quality time with them all, plus that would give you a little more time to figure out your next adventure!! Maybe the start of your next step is at home.
Wow, what do I do with all of this power? I'm going to think about this a little and get back to you. A worthless comment I know, but I wanted to be third. ha ha
First off, Choose Your Own Adventure books are freaking SWEET. Back when my mom taught elementary school and I was in elementary school, I would spend many an afternoon waiting for her to finish up by reading the crap out of those things in the library. There was also a rip-off series called "Time Machine" that was basically the same idea and pretty cool.
On a serious note, you mention in your post that you don't know why you're where you are doing what you're doing. My advice would be don't worry that you don't know a lot of that stuff right now and trust that someday you WILL know why it all happened the way it did. My guess is that in 20 years you'll look back and say "Oh yeah - THAT'S why I was in Utah doing what I was doing at that time in my life." I guess what I'm saying is I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though we don't know why at the time, if we're patient, we'll eventually see why things were laid out for us the way they were.
As for what to do with your life, I think you know what my advice is going to be...basically don't try to advance any aspect of your life at all. Simply sit back, play some video games, watch a ton of baseball, read some comic books and wait for good things to fall into your lap. That game plan is what got me a college education, a good job and a wonderful wife and kid that I probably don't deserve. Ok, this probably won't work for everyone, but hey, it put me where I needed to be.
Just remember - if you leave work, who is going to entertain us? GJP?? BT?? T squared??!?? Come on now, be serious. But seriously, don't let us hold you back. I'm completely confident that whatever decision(s) you end up making will be the right ones. Why? Because you've got a good head on your shoulders and have a history of making sound decisions (at least when it comes to the things that are really important in life - your decision making in matters of smaller importance, such as whether or not to fire a huge rubber band into my eyeball at point blank range, remains questionable at times). So in summary, you're smart, funny (although unintentionally so about 63% of the time) and probably on of the Top 40 nicest people I've ever met. How can things NOT work out for you??
There you have it - a sincere, post from me. You may want to print this and frame it.
Follow the trail of happiness, Becca...follow the trail of happiness. Search out those rainbows and not only slide down them, but swim in the pots of gold. Fly through the forever maze of bashful glee until you reach the lands of tomorrow. Listen to the whisperings of the subtle winds and follow them to the fortress of solitude of your heart and you will find your prosperity. Search out the rays of sunshine and bask in their radiance until you see the waves of the ocean crashing against the shores of the serenity.
That is the secret of happiness. Follow it. This one is free, you owe me BIG time.
Thank you commenters...I just realized that nobody over the age of 32 has commented on this post yet. Funny how old people are always wanting to give advice when you don't want it, but the second you ask for it they clam right up. So thank you people my age for trying to help me out.
Kate, if Ohio wasn't so dang humid I would love to move there, but there is a direct relationship between humidity, bad hair days, and my self esteem (due to the bad hair days).
Becky, I like your advice best of all.
Corrine, I'm still waiting to hear back from you.
Jerry...wow. Sincerity. Kind of weird to hear you be sincere after nearly 4 years of sarcasm, but thank you. And, I'm trying to think of any of my actions at work that would put me in your top 40 nicest people list...I can't, so we'll have to talk about that one on Tuesday.
And Noj...quit working at ARUP and become a writer...follow your dreams...swim in the pots of gold at the end of your rainbows. Wow, amazing and beautiful words(and hillarious).
Okay, here's why this "old person" didn't offer any advice on your life choices. I remembered when I advised you to get your degree in Science education. You earned a degree in a major that required an extra year and you have never wanted to teach school. I guess I was just a little gun shy. Also, as Jerry said, you've done just fine so far and I totally trust that you'll keep it up. Faith in every footstep. Rock on!
No way Mil...
You gave me good advice. If I remember right I was deciding between Spanish Education and Biology Education and you encouraged me to go with the Biology...the whole education thing was my own stupid fault. Biology has offered me a lot more opportunities than Spanish would have...and more money. Rock on You!
Advise is hard to give since none of us know EVERYTHING. Sure wish we did, though.
My first thought for you was to come to Idaho to regroup. While doing that you can spend this time with your family. As wonderful as this time of preperation is, it has got to be the hardest thing ever. We feel for all of you. Just so ya know, we're praying for you!
Cleveland is humid, Columbus not so much. I loathe humidity too, but my hair looked great last summer (I had great self esteem last summer too). Maybe just come visit the spinsters for a week.
Can I just copy your post and put it on my blog? I'll change names and appropriate places of work...I'll give you royalties too.
I say if you are a year into your masters definitely finish it. I hate the idea of turning 40 or 50 and looking back and thinking "if only I had done this" But just make a decision that is smart, head in that direction and you'll know if it's good.
And if you need a break you can come visit. You can deal with humidity for a little bit!
Loved those books too--
Advise for you? I agree with both--go home for the summer (can you take FMLA? Tell Lee to break his arm or something so you can use that) and come back to finish your degree. Or if you end up liking Idaho and wanting to stay after the summer, t/f your credits to ISU--they have good Science programs--and you would make a heck of a NP or PA. Settle there (because you are a true Idahoan at heart) and travel your guts out.
AND SOMEWHERE along the way, you'll run into the Idahoan of your dreams!!
Well Becca,
I've never commented on your blog before, but I can totally relate to your blog. I guess my only advice is to pray and trust that God will eventually lead you to where you need to be. When I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in engineering, I had several jobs that I really wanted to take. I was burnt out and really didn't want to go to school anymore but I felt like I needed to go to law school. I made a deal with God (which by the way, I don't recommend). I prayed that if God really wanted me to go to law school, he had to give me a scholarship so I could afford it. Well, to say the least I became a lawyer. Then I was desperately lost. I wanted to go back to Idaho, but the job offer I got there didn't feel right. After I turned it down, I had no job and was in big trouble. I called up one of the guys who interviewed me and he called back with a job offer in AZ. I knew no one here and it was really pretty scarey, but it felt right which I know sounds like a total cop out, but what are you going to do? I had only been here two weeks and I met Aaron. We were married 6 weeks later and I am now in a place in my life where I am truly happy. I know that whole long, drawn out story probably didn't help at all, but I want you to know that if you keep blindly following your path, God will put you where you need to be. I know it is hard being older and single, too. I was there. Good luck. I love you and am praying for you.
Oh, and you are always welcome to come to AZ. Halee and I would love to have more family down here. It would be one big party. Plus, there are some pretty cute single guys down here. ;) I may be married, but I'm not dead.
Love ya, Tallie
Oh, we were married six months later, not six weeks. I don't work quite that fast. Whew!
Okay Becca, this is what I've come up with.
Try figuring out what you've always been drawn to and then go for it. For me, it was England. I've always loved that country, ever since I was little which was strange because I had never been there. When I went for it, I had no idea what I was doing, or if it was right but it seemed like a good adventure and a way to pass the time. But as it turns out wandering aimlessly around a strange country on my own, with girls outnumbering boys 9 to 1 was just what I needed. I never thought I was the type that would be brave enough to move to a foreign country on my own, but it turns out I was, and it wasn't that bad. And, better to have 1 cool foreign guy than 50 RM's looking for an 18 year-old maid with big boobs.
I was turned down once before I applied again to another university before I was accepted. I'm glad that I didn't let the first failure convince me that my idea of going to England wasn't meant to be. So, I guess what I'm saying is that if you've got an idea, if it doesn't turn out the first or second time, don't let that be "a sign".
And, the Lord will give you what you want so watch out. I said I wanted to get a phd and have a full scholarship to pay for everything and then I would go. Then He did and I got cranky because I realized I was going to have to quit my job and leave my friends and my comfortable life. Funny how that works. So don't freak out if you feel weird before leaving on your next adventure, it just may be a good sign.
Hope it helps, and you are free to come hang out with us whenever you like, we've got a spare bed! :)
P.S. Masters programs in England are just a year, in case you're wondering! ;)
Becca,
I randomly get on your blog every so often to live vicariously through your fun adventures and excursions. Ironically enough, your life through the internet seems enticing to me. Traveling to Europe with your friends versus poopy diapers… Anyway, I read your post last night, and I have been thinking about it ever since. It seems like everyone hits moments in life where the decision of “what’s next” will seemingly affect so much. While I have no greater wisdom or advice than what has already been offered, I do have a suggestion. Bret has been doing research on pancreatic cancer the past few years and in his science world there is this guy named Randy Pausch. He delivered a lecture that you can watch online for free. Just google “Randy Paush Last Lecture” and it will come up. He has also recently come out with a book titled “The Last Lecture” and for your bathroom enjoyment he was recently interviewed in The Reader’s Digest. Mostly I like this guy because he puts life back into perspective and makes me want to dream beyond poopy diapers and pto meetings. Good luck and maybe we will cross paths in Idaho this summer.
Amy (Gunderson) Stephens
Becca,
I am not very good at giving advice, and certainly don't have a solution for you. I do however know that there are many people who love you. You are a wonderful example to all of us of trusting in the Lord. We all have hard times, some just longer and more obvious. For years I struggled, but others couldn't see it. I still don't know all of the reasons behind that particular trial, but as I have worked through things with the Lord's help I have come to understand just how much he loves each one of us. It may be a while before you know why, but you will sometime.
In the mean time- Idaho is wonderful, and so is Provo. If you would like a spot at my house you would be more than welcome. My Mr B would love you (Briant)!
My mom was reading your blog last night and we especially love your "Bugged" posting. We were both dying of laughter. My brother has a friend that will be opening his dental practice in Provo soon, and if you are still around and wouldn't die at being set up again I would love to set you and Mike up. To read your blog and talk to Mike (who is absolutely hilarious)-you would fit.
Anyway, call me- we can go to Idaho together sometime or just hang-out!
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