Local Elections and Another Installment of Rigby 911!

It's the eve of primary elections in our little town of Rigby and I'm having a hard time deciding who to vote for in the Sheriff category.  


Do I vote for the incumbent...

who has kind of the classy Sheriff look going for him?

Or this guy...

whose stache just screams small-town sheriff?

I mean, I don't really have any complaints against the incumbent...I've never been mugged in Rigby and I hear, from acquaintances who've been arrested in the area, that they were treated very well.  

But then I'm drawn back to the opponent, because shouldn't every small town sheriff sport a silver-tipped trucker stache?  

Each candidate has distributed fliers stating the things they'll accomplish as sheriff, but neither of them has mentioned the issue closest to my heart...the Rigby Crime Log.  

What I want to know from the candidates is what they will do to ensure that the Rigby Crime Log will maintain its highly entertaining status.

For example, I'm looking for a sheriff who will:

1) Encourage people to call 911 at even the slightest sign of a suspicious circumstance.

2) Give praise to those who commit creative crimes...you know, arrest and book them and then say...'that was bad, but super funny...don't do it again (wink, wink).'

3) Give whoever summarized the police reports this past week a raise.  I think there must be more than one person who writes the police reports because sometimes the wording is really funny and sometimes it's boring, and the boring writers have got to go and the entertaining one needs a promotion.  

But really, in searching for a new sheriff, it's too bad we don't have someone like this guy...

on the ballot.  He just has such a great combo of a classy sheriff, stache sheriff, with a little Chuck Norris vibe thrown in.  And, he looks like the type of sheriff who would encourage behaviors that would lead to entertaining Rigby Crime Logs.

Like this past week's log...quite entertaining.  And really, a lot of the time it's not even the crime that is funny, but the police report summarizer's way of wording things and their grammar "skills" that make it so enjoyable to read.  

Anyway, here are a few of my favorites from the week, with my comments in italics.  

8:34 a.m. Extra patrol requested on 3800 E. in Rigby.  A resident reported that high school students were driving past Rigby High School, doing U-turns in the farmer's turn out and coming back into traffic.  

Ooooh, not U-turns.  Kids these days...

10:56 a.m. Suspicious person reported on 295 N. in Rigby.  A man was reportedly going door to door and asking for three dollars.  He was reportedly not "all there mentally" and might have been on the influence of drugs.  

That's weird, he only asked me for two dollars and seventy-eight cents.

11:13 a.m. Animal complaint made on 650 N. near Menan.  A resident reported seeing a neighbor's dog kill another neighbor's dog.  The vicious dog owner was said to be unconcerned.  

Vicious dog owners are usually unconcerned...it's part of their psychopathic natures.  However, a vicious dog's owner is usually concerned and helpful.  It all depends where the viciousness is.

11:57 a.m. Shots fired at 4000 E. near Rigby.  Someone during the night prior, shot a BB gun or slingshot near a resident's home.  

Or maybe someone threw a rock near your house, or maybe a bug flew by really fast, or maybe the wind blew some dust, or maybe you're just crazy and bored.  

1:21 p.m. Animal complaint made on 3700 E. in Rigby.  A resident reported that there were large holes, likely dug by dogs, around the resident's rabbit cage.  His rabbits were gone.  

So either your rabbits are the dinner of your neighbor's dogs, or your rabbits just Shawshanked their cage.  Either way they're gone and you're all alone again.  

3:15 p.m. Animal complaint made on 3700 E. in Rigby.  A resident reported that a cat was snagged on a barbed-wire fence.  

So go pull it off...don't call the 911 EMERGENCY line.  A cat stuck on a barbed wire fence does not constitute an emergency.  

4:13 p.m. Traffic complaint made on 3700 E.  A red car was reportedly doing cookies without licence plates.  

How many times have I told you...when you do cookies, make sure to put your licence plates on.  

7:41 p.m. Traffic complaint made on Caribou St.  Someone had parked in an apartment tenant's parking space.  

Dear Tenant,

In future occurrences similar to the aforementioned, please call your local towing company and not the 911 EMERGENCY line.

Thank  you

9:45 p.m.  Disturbing the peace reported on 2 W.  A party was in progress with drinking, screaming, and slamming doors.  

"Jessica, how was the party last night?"

"It was fun...we drank, screamed, and slammed doors...you know, just typical party fun!"

2:35 a.m. Disturbing the peace reported on State St.  A resident reported loud music to police.  The police were unable to locate the origin.

What they didn't mention in the report is that the police officers were deaf...thus making it impossible for them to locate the loud music's origin.  

4:05 a.m.  Suspicious person reported on 3800 E. in Rigby.  A resident reported that two males were outside his or her bedroom window and shouldn't be there.  

911 Dispatcher: 911 Dispatch, what's your emergency?

Resident: There are two males outside my bedroom window.

911 Dispatcher: Are you male or female?

Resident: I'd prefer not to say.

911 Dispatcher: Okay, are there normally males outside your bedroom window at four in the morning?

Resident: Sometimes, but these two particular males should not be outside my bedroom window. 

911 Dispatcher: We'll send someone right out.  

Anyway, there are a few of my favorite 911 calls for the week.  I just hope that whoever the people of Rigby choose to elect as their sheriff will do his best to ensure many more years of Rigby 911! entertainment.